


Nothing Stays The Same

by quietdetective



Category: Homestuck
Genre: M/M, Unrequinted Love, i may add more to this, self hate
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-06-08
Updated: 2016-12-18
Packaged: 2018-07-13 01:13:02
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 2,109
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7132079
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/quietdetective/pseuds/quietdetective
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The new session is hard and John has trouble adjusting to sudden changes.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Maybe This Wont Be The End

Give up.  
You know youll never be as good as him. As brave or fearless. He cut off his own brother's head for godsake! 

You wring your hands and stay away, not feeling worthy enough to be in his presence. Though truthfully, you don't feel like you belong in general. 

These arent your people. Rose isn't your Rose, Dave isn't your Dave. This Jade was so happy to see you, but you weren't hers and she wasn't your's. 

You arent dumb. A bit oblivious sure, but even you could see how everyone looked. How differently they held themselves. They didn't need you here. 

You stay away from everyone, only sometimes talking to Roxy, as she was the only one who truly knew. She was the only one from your session after all. She was there with you when they all died, she watched as you fought some green fucker who was an ass to your lady friends and made you mad. You couldn't ever really control yourself when you got like that. You'd throw a tantrum, screaming and throwing things, wanting to fight anyone, before you pass out from exhaustion. 

Dave tries to talk to you sometimes. He acts like youre still best bros even as he holds Karkat's hand and acts all lovey dovey. He thinks youre a homophobe cause of how you hate their PDA, but it was only because you wished it was you he was kissing. Youre so dumb. It took you 3 years to sort out your feelings and it took him half of that to get over you and into someone else. you felt so alone on the ship. Sure you had Jade and Davesprite, but they were both either being super lovey dovey or Davesprite was antagonizing you. You only had the sprites, who weren't that good conversationalists honestly. You hoped when you came youd have a lot of new friends and catch up with the old, but then everyone died then didn't care about you. 

You hate how angsty you sound. You try to keep an upbeat attitude and smile and act like your normal self, but you find yourself tired and snappy and you don't feel up for pretending. 

Everyone looks at you worriedly now and you try to act more genuine, smiling and laughing like always, even making a few pranks to really nail in that youre okay. Youre disappointed when it works and no one cares again


	2. John ends up showing that he is pretty sensitive and makes Karkat feel bad. Maybe.

You wonder how long you can convince yourself that you're okay. 

It's a fact that you aren't. Plagued by night terrors and other unpleasant experiences, it was amazing you even managed to make it this far. You sorta closed yourself off from friends and family. What family? You have Jane and Jade and Jake you guess, but you only recently met them. You would think of them more like friends, and maybe Jade would be considered family after 3 years. But your Jade was long dead. You missed her so much. Jane and Jake were nice, but they were mostly friends. Jane had her father which you were happy for her about, feeling awful about taking her reunion from her. You thought he was your father. You would never admit how much you sobbed hours later when you found out. He called you dad. 

You stayed smiling though. Smiling was easier than trying to face all the fucked up things in your life. Tiring but easier. 

Dirk tried to talk to you. He pointed out he was nearly in a similar state, but it wasn't really. He had Dave to fall back on. He had Jane and Jake and Roxy and Rose and everyone. You were supposed to be the strong one. You never needed help. You let everything be bottled up, occasionally exploding because it just got too full of feelings and not enough dealing with them. 

You still hang out with Dave. Very rarely though. You will smile and laugh and pretend your fine, until Dave looks at you funny and reminds you that you can tell him anything. He was worried. You preferred when he would act like he didn't care at all. You missed Davesprite. No matter how much he infuriated you or antagonized you, you missed him. 

One day Karkat approached you. He yelled and insulted you like normal, but you felt your eyes start to water at things that never before got to you. He was trying to help, you can tell, but soon you were standing and screaming at him that you knew you weren't a good friendleader and an incompetent friend and confirming all he shouted minutes before while tears ran down your cheeks. Dave walked in when you were screaming, jaw slack as he stared, not knowing what to do. You wiped your eyes and said softly you didn't need to be reminded before disappearing, either from your retcon powers or wind, you weren't paying attention. You just needed to get away


	3. Lost

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John breaks down and must face the losses he had.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a new chapter. Chapter 4 is the old chapter 3

You fell to your knees once you got far away. You couldn't think straight. Your breathing was too fast and you were shaking so much you would drop anything if you tried to hold it. You shut your eyes right and just cried. You couldn't stop it once you started, letting out gross loud sobs that ruined your throat. 

You couldn't stop now that you started, wheezing and barely able to catch your breath, furiously rubbing at your eyes to get the tears from falling off your face, not noticing anything around you. You couldn't in fact. Your world had shrunken down to just you, sitting in the middle of your father's room while you sobbed. You pulled at your thick hair, just letting it all go. 

You cried for your childhood that's as taken from your and your friends, your heart that your friend took and smashed to bits, your friends who lost what was so dear to them, and you cried for your father. You were never able to bury him properly. Weren't able to face his death and couldn't after so many years, so many lies that you told yourself to make it through the game.

You let yourself cry for the first time, grieving for all you lost. For what all your friends lost, and perhaps couldn't regain.

You were far from recovered, you would ignore this ever happened and continue how you usually do.  
But for now you cry and let yourself accept that these things happened, surrounded by your father.

You could nearly feel his arms around you, wrapping you in a warm hug.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short and sad. I felt like it was best this way.  
> John doesn't want to face his losses, even if it would help in the long run. He runs from them.


	4. Pretending is Fine.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pretending is like acting. You just have to be confident and act like you know what you're doing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have chapters for John's emotional breakdown if anyone wants to see it. Ill probably post them in this spot and have chapter 3 be moved to 4 if people want it.

Next time you saw your friends, Karkat and Dave specifically, you pretended your last encounter with them never happened. You pretended a lot you noticed. Pretend to be happy, pretend to be oblivious, pretend pretend pretend. You wished it wasn't like this, but there's really nothing you could do to make yourself change. You know you're an asshole and were pretty self centred before, and you try your best to not be anymore. You don't want to be an awful friend. You should've never been the friendleader. 

So you started pretended. You wanted to be a better person, and you heard often enough the phrase, "fake it till you make it". So you did. 

You faked being happy and you stopped talking about yourself so people wouldn't think you were selfish anymore. You stopped what little you did about talking about your problems, not wanting to bother people with them anymore. It was best this way. 

Dave and Karkat tried to talk about it. They kept trying to corner you to talk, so much so that you spent most of your time as the breeze the past few days. Its relaxing. You're always reminded how it was to be free. How it was to hold so much power and able to be so free. No longer bounded by anything. Of course. It would never last. 

You eventually return, avoiding looks you know your friends gave you and acted like you just saw them and didn't see the worry in their eyes. They always thought you were so oblivious. You could be at times, but you notice more than they think. 

You're not stupid. 

They eventually get you.  
Dave and Karkat both stop you, grabbing your arms and holding you tightly. If you weren't so exhausted from running, you'd give chase again. 

"Let me go!" You shout, trying to struggle, but you were weak when it came to your friends. You never wanted to hurt them. That's why you let them hurt you. 

"John calm the fuck down. We've just been trying to talk to you man" Dave said slowly, calmly. He was trying to calm you down, you're breathing fast and on the verge of panic as you were held, restrained by those you called friends. 

"Dave please. Let go" You struggled more before they let go

"Don't run again" Dave said, looking ready to mess with time to keep you there. "What's wrong?" 

"What're you talking about" you asked, acting like nothing could be wrong even though everything was. 

"You're avoiding everyone. You don't talk to us, you act like nothing went to shit in your timeline, and not to mention your freak out a couple days ago. Something's wrong John." Dave said, frowning at you. No no no. You're supposed to keep your friends happy and safe. That's your one job. You managed to fuck it up. 

"Nothing's wrong Dave! I don't know what you're talking about!"

Karkat was standing beside him, arms crossed. He looked unsure. You couldn't really tell. He just. He probably was just thinking about the other day. 

"JOHN. WHAT I SHOUTED LAST TIME. I WASNT TRYING TO SAY THAT. FUCK. IM BAD AT EMOTIONS EVEN AFTER THESE YEARS ALRIGHT YOU FUCKER? I DONT ACTUALLY THINK YOURE THAT BAD. BUT. YOU HAVENT BEEN ACTING LIKE YOURSELF. YOURE SUDDENLY ACTINF LIKE I FUCKING DID YEARS AGO AND LET ME TELL YOU. THATS A HORRIBLE IDEA. PAST ME WAS A FUCKING JOKE. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG? YOURE WORRYING EVERYONE NOW" Karkat said loudly, though you could picture his shouty text. You want to laugh but. You can't. 

"Nothings wrong. I don't know what you're talking about" You said, suddenly very calm. You knew what you were doing now. Just act. Pretend like normal. 

Hope was a joke but pretending always worked. It eased the pain and helped you make sure your friends never knew.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would've went the extra mile and coded this but I can't from my phone. Hope you liked it. 
> 
> Advice I have but you probably shouldn't listen to  
> Never hope and you'll be okay and never plan cause you'll only be disappointed.
> 
> John's emotional break down is now up and is 3


	5. Never Hope

Sometimes you hope. You hope things will get better. You look forward to something and begin hoping.   
Maybe you were imagining yourself eating a cake you were really looking forward to or laughing and talking to one of your friends later in the day.   
You've learnt not to look forward to it and expect them to suddenly cancel, or the cake to be mouldy, or maybe you got into a fight and now were all along to cry.   
Never hope and you won't be disappointed. Never hope and you won't be sad later. Expect everything to go bad so you won't hurt and you'll be glad you knew it wouldn't go through.   
Never hope they'll see through your mask. It wasn't their problem to try and solve yours. You shouldn't expect it of them. You know this but find it hard to outright state it.   
So you continue to hide.   
Dave and Karkat still come around and try to get you to leave your house and hang out. They say they won't get distracted by one another but you know they will. You can already imagine sitting awkwardly as they made out or chatted about things you had no clue about.   
You really were dumb weren't you. You should disappear for good soon.   
It would only benefit everyone. They won't waste their time on a hopeless case and you won't have to worry about worrying them anymore.   
Sure they might miss you half as much as you would them. But it was okay. As long as they were happy. They would forget about you soon enough and it'd all be fine.   
Dave and Karkat don't know what they're doing or saying. They're just pretending to care. They don't actually you are convinced.   
Why would they? You're just an awful third wheel who just bugs and annoys them on dates.   
You stand up, wobbling ever so slightly before walking to your window. You look out of it and sigh. You open it and climb onto the ledge so your feet hung out and you were able to lift off.   
You don't look back, even when you hear shouts coming from behind you.


End file.
